The moment some people know you’re a veggie, they’re likely to ask a question or have a dig which they think is not only brilliant and original but will completely burst your veggie balloon. I’ve heard them all before – so here are a few suggestions for demolishing those pesky know-it-alls!

If everyone goes veggie, what’ll happen to all the animals – we’ll be over-run?
Oh sure! Like all these caged pigs and chickens are having a great time having sex all day long – not! Farmers control how many animals are born – if you don’t eat ‘em, they don’t breed ‘em.

Then what happens? All the animals will die out.
Of course! There were no animals at all on the earth before humans came along. Now why didn’t I realise that.

How do you know vegetables don’t feel pain?
(you know you’re winning the argument when you hear this one!)
If you see a cabbage screaming its head off and running down the high street, call me. We’ll be witnessing the first ever veg with a central nervous system.

But I’ve heard that plants scream when they’re cut.
No they don’t – not even when watching Hammer House of Horror movies. The sounds picked up be electronic equipment when plants are cut are thought to be made by gases. The cut releases pressure inside the plant, causing gases to move towards the opening, making a noise as they go.

It’s natural to eat meat – we’re meant to eat it!
If you ate nothing but meat and dairy products you’d die within a year. The average life expectancy for a vegan or veggie is in the 80s. On the other hand, may be it is natural for drongos to die young – natural selection anyway.

But meat’s full of protein that helps build muscle.
Yeah, which is why a gorilla – which eats nothing but veg – is so big and strong.

Vegetarians eat chicken, don’t they?
No they don’t! What do you think a chicken is, second cousin to a carrot? And just for the record, vegetarians don’t eat humans either, no matter how thick they are.
(The same answer can apply to questions about fish or seafood. Or ask the questioner when the last time was that they grew mackerel at the bottom of their garden.)

You’re only one person, so what difference does it make?
Oh, I’m only saving the lives of 5 cows, 20 pigs, 29 sheep, 760 chickens, 46 turkeys, 15 ducks, 7 rabbits and half a ton of fish. What are you doing?

If we all went vegetarian, there wouldn’t be enough land to grow all the food we need.
Who do you think eats more cereal in a day, you or a cow? If we all went veggie, we’d need half the land used now. If we all went vegan, we’d need less that a quarter.

What’s the point of being vegetarian if you wear leather?
Being a veggie still saves hundreds more animals that being a meatie, no matter what you wear!

Why do vegetarians always look so unhealthy?
So Damon Albarn, Heather Small, Moby, Pamela Anderson and Carl Lewis all look like they’re at death’s door, do they?

It’s veggies who are putting farmers out of work.
It’s not. Growing plant foods needs more labour, so the more veggies there are, the more work there’d be on farms. Meat is now a mechanised industry that’s putting people out of work.

If animals weren’t happy, they wouldn’t put on weight.
So if I chained you to the floor in a tiny concrete cell, where there was nothing to look at or do except eat, you’d lose weight?

Chickens wouldn’t lay eggs if they were unhappy.
That’s like saying that you’d stop going to the loo if you felt hacked off.

How do you know animals are unhappy or don’t like the way they’re treated?
How do you know when you’ve been run over by a bus? Maybe you’d skip into a slaughterhouse singing ‘kill me, kill me’. Most animals have more sense.

But animals don’t complain.
No, animals don’t talk – unlike some people who go on and on. Loads of studies have been done and surprise, surprise, they all show that most farm animals are in pain. You’d never have known that without going to university, would you?

What do you eat instead of meat?
Pizza, sausages, chilli, shepherds’ pie, curry, burgers, hot dogs, lasagne, pies, flans, cannelloni, spaghetti, nuggets . . . continue until out of breath . . .

But veggie food is boring.
(Yawn, yawn) Well, maybe if you’re in the kitchen. We all know a meal is as interesting as the cook who makes it.

You’ve got your priorities wrong. You care more about animals than people.
(This is always said by people who aren’t doing anything to help anyone.)
Eating meat is all about taking food from the poor to feed to the rich. By being veggie, I’m not just helping animals but the world and all the people on it. I’m happy to make an exception though in your case!

It’s okay for adults to be veggie, but not kids.
Yeah, it’s only reasonable that kids get their fair share of heart disease. After all, only the USA government and British Medical Association reckon that sprog vegetarians have excellent health.

There goes the bunny-lover.
Hooray, another witty comment from Mr Salami Skin!

Why don’t you have just a small piece of meat? I won’t tell!
And I won’t tell anyone how stupid you are. Read my lips:
I love being a vegetarian!
(And I hope you do too!)